10th November 2005

There were ghosts across this shore. From his perspective Alec could see nothing but sunlight spangling the waves in a diamond formation. In a moment of madness, he imagined Noah would break through the surface and meet him at Durdle Door, all wrapped in seaweed and adorned with cockle shells.

He could still feel those hands on his body. His breath was the breeze stirring the hairs at the nape of his neck. He closed his eyes and drowned in it. Sweet silence and a phantom lover. Then a bark jolted him free of his binds. A man in a flat cap treaded the sand at the water’s edge, his Labrador bounding across the coast and nipping at the tide as it met the land. It was enough to make anyone fall in love with the sea. It was almost perfect. Almost.

 

11th November 2005

“Hey No'…it’s Alexander. I know you’re probably busy, with your unit bein’ deployed in the mornin’. But uh…the Lieutenant, I think he took some pity on me. Said I can ring this number and leave messages for you. He said if all went well you could call me once a week maybe. So that’s good. Yeah…well anyway, I don’t wanna take up the tape babe. Some of those guys got kids they wanna hear from. And anyway I can send letters. I love you so much. I’ll see you soon.”

 

16th November 2005

Noah,

I never know how to start these things. You always knew just the words to say, a word or two from you could turn my whole world upside down then right way up. God, it was so good to hear your voice. You sounded well… and positive.

Today was one of those days. The mist settled down over the valleys. It’s cold, crisp and the suns golden through the leaves. I’m no good with them days. All that sunlight through the branches makes my eyes fuzzy. But I like them because you like them.

Guess what?! Evie smiled today!  Your sister said she looks more like you then her or Nate. She’s right. I might’ve cried when she said it and I think she felt bad for me. I feel like I’m going through the change or something, all hormonal like.

She’s right though, she’s the spitting image. Got your eyes. I really love her you know?

Anyway. I’ll talk to you soon yeah? I’m so proud of you.

Alec

 

18th November 2005

Noah,

I keep watching the news lately. It’s a bad idea and I keep getting scared that you’ll show up on there. It’s funny, I can almost hear you now, whispering to the paper. Real quiet like, so the boys don’t hear you being soft with me.

You’d tell me I was strong, that I’d be okay. I think you overestimate me sometimes.

The cottage is too quiet and I started talking to the dogs like they’ll say something back. I think Major misses you, he keeps whining, drooling all over your wellies. I’ll clean them before you’re back babe, but I don’t have the heart to take them away.

I might try calling you tomorrow, I hope that’s alright? I hope you’re alright. Try and sleep some yeah? I know you hate sleeping in the heat, but you need your rest. So… suck it up, I don’t want you to be that guy who comes home wounded because you sat on your rifle or some shit.

I miss you.

Alec.

 

19th November 2005

“Noah, its Alec. I hear there’s troubles down your end, roadside bombs everywhere … Anyway, John’s wife let me know so I just wanted to be sure... Be careful yeah? Call me back soon as you can. Promise I won’t talk about sad stuff. I’ll tell you about Evie and Major and the Fire-Crest that woke me too early this mornin’ with a song that sounded like the purest Bon Jovi cover I ever heard.

Heh… Sorry. I’m babblin’ on like a dafty ain’t I? I miss you so much… Anyway, I love you. Call me when you can.”

 

20th November 2005

“It’s Alec! Babe please ring me. Fuck, it’s all over the news. Some explosion outside Basra and people are dead. Oh god Noah, I-I don’t….”

(There’s a brief scuffle)

 “…I know. Shh, Alec I got this. Yeah… Nate get him a brew will ya Noah, it’s Neave, look big bro try t’ring back yeah? Alec’s beside himself, let us know you’re okay…He says he loves you, we love you too. Stay safe kidda.”

 

21st November 2005

Noah,

Listen, I know…I know and I don’t care. I don’t care if the whole of your body is scarred up and you barely look like you anymore, you’re mine and I love you. And I’m yours. I’m am always yours. I mean it, Noah.  

Anyway, you’ll be home soon and I’ll be waiting. We’re lucky really aren’t we? That you get to come home and before Christmas too. It’s still real nice here. Maybe we can drive down to the beach and look at the arch. Bet you missed it eh? You love it there. Just me and you yeah? It’ll be nice and peaceful this time of year and while the sun’s still out too, it will make the water all twinkly like you love.

I’ll be waiting at that gate when you land.

I love you so much Noah. I’m so proud. See you in two days,

Alec

​

24th November 2005

Morning Sunshine!

Gone to the corner shop for some teabags. A brew and toast, then maybe we can go for round four huh? ‘Cause wow…Jesus, maybe you should go away more often. Or not at all. Never again babe.

Alec xxx

 

25th November 2005- 11:47am

“Heya Noah, this is Cheryl…I’m John’s wife? The funeral is the 3rd of December if you wanta come. If you don’t, I understand…either way, he’s with yer. Okay…seeya.”

 

25th November 2005- 6:56pm

“No answer huh?  Maybe I finally wore you out! I’m on me way home babe! See you soon!”

 

29th November 2005- 6:12 pm

“Noah baby, answer your phone… I don’t care that you shouted, I don’t care that you’ve barely moved in days…”

“I’ve just got you back, don’t disappear again.”

 

29th November 2005- 6:34pm

“Noah,  come on! I- god I’m sorry! I dunno what I did but-“(Noah calling.)

 

1st December 2005

“Hello, this is a message for Noah Rose. This is Dr Steinbeck from the Dorset County Hospital. Just to let you know your tests came back and while you’re physically sound, we believe you have what is referred to as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. If you could call back, we can get you in for an appointment and discuss how we take it from there. Thank you.”

 

6th December 2005

Hey No,

Picking up bacon sarnies for breakfast. I should be back before you read this. I’ll be outside in the car. We’ll do this together yeah?

I love you.

Alec.

 

7th December 2005

“I’m guessing you’re still snoozin’ sleepy head? I’ve kept some left over pie in the fridge. I left the fire on too, remember to switch it off so it don’t over’eat. I’m helping Nate out with the sheep today so it could be a long’un… I’m so proud of you for yesterday, Dr Gill said you talked and that’s really surprisin’ this soon. Oh! Neave and your Mum said they’re comin’ over with the baby. She’s grown so much like you Noah, you’ll see. Seeya tonight babe!”

 

10th December 2005- 1:58pm

“Oh, hi Mr Rose this is Dr Gill from the Occupational Therapy team, we met earlier in the month? You didn’t show up at your appointment this morning at 11:45? If yer having any trouble gettin’ in just let us know! We can arrange travel for you on yer Veteran scheme! Hopefully we’ll see you soon Mr Rose. You have a nice weekend, bye now.”

 

 

10th December 2005- 2:23pm

“Hey, um…guess you’re away from the phone or listening to your tunes or somethin’. Dr Gill says you didn’t show… Babe, if you need me there you only have to ask. You know that right?

You know we should plan somethin’, that trip to beach left you so mellow and so soft with me. It were like a tiny glimpse of old Noah. I think I miss him a bit.

Anyway, I’ll be home early tonight. Nate and Ste said they can finish up. Missed your face. Can’t wait to see you.”

 

10th December 2005 -7:43pm.

“It’s Nate buddy. Look I dunno what yer did to Alec but he showed up here; a sobbin’ mess with a bloody nose, tellin’ us you’d done a runner. Mate I know you’re feelin’ all outta wack and that but you need t’ pick up. He’s out his wits here, I’ve never seen him like this. He’s shakin’, he can barely speak. Pick up man.”

 

10th December 2005- 7:46pm.

“Noah, it’s Mum. Listen chuck, just call us when y’can. Take yer time. We’re ‘ere when yer ready.”

 

10th December 2005- 7:49pm.

“Noah listen, nobody’s mad, not even Alec. He’s been patched right up he’s just worried about yer. Come home you daft sod…Evie misses yer.”

 

10th December 2005- 9:30pm

“H-Hey beautiful…

I’m not mad No’, I don’t hate you. I…I know you’re messed up right now, I know everything’s messy and…look we can fix it. We can go on big holiday, yeah? Somewhere colder so you can sleep. Somewhere where there ain’t them car horns that make you jump, somewhere less stifflin’, somewhere you feel free…

Babe? Babe please don’t leave me now. (A shaky breath) I know. I know it’s hard for you to snap out of the mind-set. You were there over a year fer god-sake. I know you feel guilty too ‘cause… I see you when the news comes on. When John shows up or there’s been an attack and you get all teary-eyed and fuck, it kills me Noah. Because you don’t deserve to feel like that. You were so brave, you deserve to be so happy and I’m tryin’ s-so hard but nothin’s working. Please. Just- just come back home to me and I’ll prove myself yeah? I’ll work to the bone for you. (Delay) I love you Noah. More than anything.”

 

11th December 2005

Alec,

Fuck. How do I even start this?

You were the love of my fucking life. I loved you. I loved you and you can’t ever forget that. But you’re right. I’m not Noah. Or at least, I’m not the Noah you loved. The things I saw out there Alec…

I saw my best friend in pieces. I see it every night. I hear that bang in every fucking silence, everyone’s an enemy by default. Even you. Shit, I can’t do this to you anymore baby. I hurt you… and I’m scared of you. I’m scared of everything.

You deserve so much more than to be scared too.

I just want us to be happy. Both of us. I’m looking out now over Thornecombe, I can see Hardy’s cottage in the distance and the sun is coming up over the evergreens, spangling the world in brightness and beauty. The birds, they’re twittering on behind me, smells like scones being cooked in the caf’ and the breeze is just right.

And there’s no beauty in it. I feel nothing for it.

I want to be Noah again. I wish I could just write you a poem and take you out dancing like old times.

But I can’t.

You shouldn’t come looking for me. I’ll be gone by the time you read this. Tell Mum, Neave and Nate: Don’t worry. I’ll be okay. I just need to breathe.

Tell Evie I love her every day. Remember I love you too. God, I love you.

I’m so sorry for this Alec.

Yours always,

Noah. xxx

 

 23rd March 2007

Alexander hummed a tune under his breath, mashing raisins into choux pastry, hoping he could pass it off as rustic. He wished he could be outside, with the evergreens and the daffodils. Hardy’s Cottage was so pretty in spring and he wasted most of it behind a counter, serving afternoon tea to toffee-nosed pensioners.

The bell chimed in the other room and he wiped his hands on his apron, dust thrown into the sunbeams like glitter into lamplight. He entrusted Karen with the scones and left to greet the day’s first customer.

 “Hi,” he breathed without a glance upward. He gestured to himself. “Sorry about this, we’re in the midst of a scone batch.”

“Don’t you fret...”

Alec’s heart stuttered. His eyes rose but very slowly, scared to be mistaken.

“Yer a beauty. Like always.”

A different man than he was the last time they saw each other, Noah looked alive. Flushed cheeks, bright green eyes and a glow from the inside out. He looked like Alec’s Noah.

"You…oh my god.” Alec covered his mouth and closed his eyes against rapidly forming tears.

“I know. I missed you too.”  When Noah reached out a hand, Alec met it over the counter basking in revelation that Noah had broke the surface.